Final view on everything = don't be selfish

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.
Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,
not looking to your own interests,
but each of you to the interests of the others."

Have you ever made a decision that you KNEW carried a ton of weight into the grand scheme of things? Redirected the course of your life? Inspired a cosmic shift in your psyche?

I think I made one tonight.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. How much pain do you think we would avoid if we lived by that? If we weren't SO SELFISH.

Ok there it is, all thrown up on the page. You kind of want to stop reading. I want to stop writing.

Beautiful Carolina--I'll never forget her standing there in the parking lot, with her gorgeous blue top and sparkling, wise eyes. "Leah, let me just ask you one question before you leave. If YOU were her, how would you feel about the way you're acting?"

Excuse #1: but my intentions are right
Excuse #2: but I'm not doing anything bad
Excuse #3: but he's only a friend
Excuse #4: but I WANT to do this, and I don't see a reason why not.
^^
There it is. I want something. It's available to me. I'm getting it. Someone else who gets hurt is not my problem. We all know guys like this...girls like this...going from one person who makes them feel good to the next.

It's a little nauseating.

But it's difficult to detect, because it's such a small thing--selfishness. A bad rudder on a ship, a little leven in some dough, a little fly in some clean water.

Anyway. I don't want to drink fly water, do you?

On Set for the "Singularity"

I like being around cameras and creative people..and IBM computer makers who postulate the end of the world is coming via cyborgs.

How I look at Work.

I hate it when girls say, "I look soooo bad" when they know they look like a hot mess. It's like the day after a big night out, waking up in an oversized Tshirt, excess residue of fake tan, fake eyelashes still on, booty shorts, and morning beauty glow.

Come on, everyone knows you still look amazing.

Which leads me to my next point: you haven't seen someone look truly awful until you've seen me go to work in the hut. Imagine an actual homeless person dressed in golf pants and a wrinkled collared shirt.

But one out of every 97 days, I decide to look like a normal human. I'm always caught off guard by how much other people are caught off guard. I'm feeling pretty routine, but why is my manager acting awkward around me and why am I getting free Starbucks...along with my entire family?

1) Guys, you have no idea how much power a girl has in facilitating her own attractiveness. Some of you think you know. You don't.

2) Girls, if men are catcalling, stop complaining, because you do have the option of making yourself look ugly.

Don't forget you made this.

"20 reasons why ___ is lame and gross."

It's a document I always make when I get broken up with. If you keep imaging your ex pooping, you literally can't be attracted to them anymore. IT WORKS.

Happiness, Holiness, and Fullness

Americans worship happiness.

A few things I've noticed:
*Happiness is a vision. When we think about what we want to do, who we want to be, where we want to live, the main question we ask ourselves is, "Would I be happy doing that?"
*Happiness is a necessity. Oftentimes people will leave a situation they should be faithful to because they no longer feel happy.
*Happiness is a justification. How many times have you told yourself that it's OK to keep doing something because it "makes you happy?"
*Happiness is a synonym. (Literally, in the thesaurus) for joy, satisfaction, and well-being.

Is it possible that all of these different faces of happiness only make us miserable, and rob us from knowing real joy? It's the almost right, but not on the money...which is the perfect description of a "counterfeit."

Counterfeits are hard to detect because they are (by nature) smiling, misleading, and confusing. I think that the pursuit of happiness counterfeits the pursuit of holiness. The two can appear similar, but when you peel off the layers, they are drastically different. Almost at odds.

Tim Keller says this "We were created to worship and live for God's glory, not our own. We were made to serve God and others. That means paradoxically that if we try to put our own happiness ahead of obedience to God, we violate our own nature and become, ultimately, miserable. Jesus restates the principle when he says, "Whoever wants to save his life shall lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." He is saying, "If you seek happiness more than you seek me, you will have neither; if you seek to serve me more than serve happiness, you will have both."

The Beautiful Imperfect

This summer, I've had the honor of experiencing life's recent twists and turns with these two women--even though we're miles apart. It's funny, because we're all going through interesting seasons with their own respective challenges...and because I'm learning a lot, I feel like every time we're on the phone, I end up vomiting all of the truth onto them and their situations. Somehow God uses it. Both of them tell me, "Leah you are such an encouragement..."

If only they knew--that they encourage me WAY more. Even on the days they aren't feeling positive or upbeat. Here's why:

I love being in relationships with people who know that they are flawed. Everyone is imperfect, but a lot of people cover up or ignore the areas where they fall short, because they feel like they have to "have it together." But really, who has it together? Our judgments are so thinly based. Things are rarely how they appear. Someone might seem like a whole person because they have a great job, always say the right things, dress well, act responsibly, etc.--but how do you the place it's coming from? The first step towards healing is brokenness, and knowledge of brokenness. Some people who "have it all together" are deeply insecure.

So I think the most NOBLE and encouraging thing a friend can do for a friend is to let them in on their flaws, give them permission to hear about it, speak into it, and walk through it with them. These girls are never boring to live life with because they dream high, struggle deeply, and mess up all the time--but their hearts are beautiful because they belong to God. At the end of the day, sharing life with them is an adventure because we don't cover up insecurities with "put together-ness." There's no easy way out: we'll be stripped, broken, built up, and changed.

It's the most exciting thing to get to be a part of--to see God come in and transform your friends lives. Love you girls. An angel rides in the whirlwind and directs this storm.

God, romance me

I'm naturally drawn to the exotic, but knowing God has made me see the exotic in the ordinary: family sitting around a fire telling stories late at night, listening to rain pour outside my window, running into an old teacher in a coffee shop, getting an encouraging text from a friend 2,000 miles away, getting a book in the mail...

God invites us into a rich reality in Him. It's creative, transcendant, normal, joyful, painful... and all about loving the people around you. When God romances me, I find the balance to dream without being driven by dreams; I can long for things without losing contentment and thankfulness for the present moment; and I'm free from the sin that so easily entangles...

Full surrender

In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. -Hebrews 12:4

It always seems like we can ease our way out of bad habits, but I'm starting to see that sin can't be half-dealt with.

A week ago, I caught a vision of what things could be like if I completely repented--fully turned from the old and towards the new. It's a little scary, and it requires me being all in, not 75%, 80%, or 95%.

When you think of managing risk, which is greater - to sacrifice something for God, or to keep it from him? He only has our best interest in mind, and when we choose our own way we end up missing out on some blessing. The opportunity cost of following our way instead of his is songs unwritten, orphanages never started, people untouched, hearts, minds and souls unreached.

It matters what we choose.

I don't want distraction anymore. I don't want half-hearted pleasures, I don't want confusion, I don't want a blanket of comfort if it's hindering me.

It's tempting to look at everything you're missing out on when you choose God, but those things will eventually come. Obedience to God now is probably a better decision than grasping for future blessings when they aren't yours yet. There's a time for everything, and I want to be fully in the time I'm in now.

God is changing me. I feel more comfort, life, and wholeness with my hands empty rather than white knuckled and clenched around the things I want.

Rest - Confessions of St. Augustine

"Rest in him and you shall be at rest. Where do you go along these rugged paths? Where are you going? The good that you love is from him, and insofar as it is also for him, it is both good and pleasant. But it will rightly be turned to bitterness if whatever comes from him is not rightly loved and if he is deserted for the love of the creature. Why then will you wander farther and farther in these difficult and toilsome ways? There is no rest where you seek it. Seek what you seek; but remember that it is not where you seek it. You seek for a blessed life in the land of death. It is not there. For how can there be a blessed life where life itself is not?

pg 57, chapter XII

Street Dove

The beady eyes of a white dove stare
Blank, wide, tired, blithe
She walks in circles; waits for attack
Oil spills and dirt on her back
Smeared, soft, stolen worth
Bruised her wings and
Swore her to earth.

Down her head hits the street to rest
Fluttering heart is sick, at best
Beady eyes stare wide awake,
Eyelid's black won't shut the ache
Stomach, knot
Throat, hot.
Deluged with sweet, embittered thoughts
She lays her head on the street to rest,
Where all that's hard is comfortless.

Tree of Life

His wisdom is profound, his power is vast.
Who has resisted him and come out unscathed?

On The Tree of Life

"Jack's parents represent the film's broader dialectic of what Mother describes as "two ways through life: the way of nature, and the way of grace."

As the stern, business-minded Mr. O'Brien, Pitt represents the way of nature, valuing a competitive, almost Machiavellian approach to life. He's big on the idea of ownership, control, and being a self-sovereign man ("You have control of your own destiny," he says). As the loving, compassionate Mrs. O'Brien, newcomer Chastain embodies the way of grace. She nurtures the kids, cares for them when dad's mad, and is quick to forgive. In parallel scenes of waking the boys up from bed—mother by playfully slipping ice cubes down the back of their pajamas; father by ripping their covers off—we see the contrast clearly."

(McCracken, Christianity Today)

Coffee and Sweatshirts

I can't wait for fall. Crisp air, coffee,
sweatshirts, friends, romance,
beauty, leaves and leaves,
falling everywhere.

Liberalism Undermining Tradition

Matthias is one of my favorite nerdheads EVAR.

He wrote his senior thesis on how tradition has been undermined by the core principles of Enlightenment liberalism.

We're going to talk about it over coffee soon, but I want to write out some of his main points, weaving my thoughts into it. (NOTE: these are Matthias's thoughts I'm building on. I'm putting it in my own words so it makes sense to me later)

First of all, tradition is a beautiful thing. We can't live our lives without it. Everything we do, from going to school and getting married down to our ability to speak and process information--has to do with traditional values and customs. It's extremely ordinary and pervasive--so much so that it goes unnoticed.

However, tradition is necessarily exclusive. It makes some desires superior to others, and thus, is not compatible with "equality of preference" proposed by Hobbes in The Leviathan. He writes, “Whatsoever is the object of any man’s appetite or desire, that is it that he for his part calleth good… For there is no such finis ultimus, utmost aim, nor summum bonum, greatest good, as is spoken of in the books of old moral philosophers.”

Hobbes's equality of preference rejects the ancient interest in the "greatest good" because it is seen as a monster oppressor to the individual's wants and desires. The problem with this is congruency. You simply can't have tradition without the exclusivity that comes with it--exclusivity to the opinions, wishes, and desires of certain minority groups or outsiders.

What happens when preference rules? Kalb writes that to “make freedom truly universal and equal is to make it featureless… it becomes an abstraction defined and redefined without limit by government officials, whether welfare administrators or Supreme Court justices.”

As a whole, Matthias's paper begs deeper questions about the nature of equality, morality, and truth. How do we define them? How important is it for us to have absolute answers in these areas? How important is it that we all agree? If we don't...what happens to tradition?

Ask him to send you his thesis!

Coffee dates with Mel

Reasons why Melanie Herrera is beautiful:

-She looks for cosmic truths in ordinary situations

-She is guided by her heart AND her head (rare combo)

-She goes against the grain

-She's silly, absurd, thoughtful, and perfectly lovable

-She invites challenges

-She's not out to prove she's right, but to keep thinking, observing, living, and growing until she is fully confident that she has discovered what life is all about.

This girl...is a gem.




(^^ Sunday school diagram? heh)

Goodbye Doubt, Hello Hope.

My beautiful, undignified friend Jessi Marquez is starting a "Kick the Habit" campaign for the month of August. The idea is to get rid of some nasty mind trap you've got yourself in and overcome it.

So I'm kicking doubt.

When doubt shows up, it manifests itself in mental and emotional states of fear, worry, and self-centeredness that weigh on me and suck up my time and attention. Time and focus are precious things that should be guarded--not hoarded selfishly, but protected--because they are vehicles through which your life is poured out on others, through love, sacrifice, and work. I'm tired of watching amazing opportunities pass me by because I have given doubt the authority to dwell in my mind.

Over the past few weeks, I've been slammed with it (as well as all of its crippling corollaries). BUT, for the first time in my life, I've experienced the reality of invisible arms of strength coming alongside and beneath me, giving me the ability to stand firm and not be shaken. That strength, I believe, is rooted in hope.

I've been intrigued by the concept of hope this whole summer. The virtue of hope isn't emphasized much, but it's right up there with faith and love in Corinthians 13. Faith itself is described as being "sure of what we hope for." What do I hope for? How can I be absolutely sure of what I hope for?

...by anchoring it somewhere solid.

We can set our hope on things that are momentary and flaky, or continuous with promise. Hope deferred can "make the heart sick" when it doesn't come through, or it can regenerate the spirit with sureness and confidence. So, growing in the virtue of hope means to rightly divide between the real deal and it's smiling counterfeits.

Practically, kicking the habit of doubt means standing on the promises of God when my whims and emotions tell me to do otherwise. I give Christ full control over my thought-life. I'm putting time in my schedule to remind myself what it is I'm hoping for--by reading things that inspire me, remembering God's call on my life, and moving in that direction with the small lamp set in front of me.

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him."

HOPE-fully (ha), by the end of this month, I won't be the slave to doubt I was at the beginning.

Knowing God

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love,
I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love,
I am nothing.
If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love,
I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.




I feel most at home in empty auditoriums. Something about the stillness, the barren deadness after a show, the anticipation for the next show, the oddness of it being vacant after being filled with so much life...it draws me into a transcendent peace and contentment. Laying on the floor of a dark stage after hours, I feel as if I'm every age I'll ever be all at once.

"All the world's a stage," Shakespeare put it, and he's right. Sitting alone in an empty theatre is humbling. You remove yourself from the normal functionality of the thing (action, excitement, adventure) and reflect on it. When the curtain's down and the people are gone, things look really different.

Same with life. When you draw away from the activity and let yourself be still--look long out a window--embrace the quiet--invite back all the memories you suppressed--you see it all from a different angle.

Today I was thinking about the whirlwind of the past three years I've lived in New York. New Yorkers look at people from the country like they're stupid because they don't "know things."

What is knowledge? My head grew large in New York, but my heart and spirit might have suffered. Maybe they weren't fed well enough--ironically--in all of the excess information about ideas, concepts, God, politics, religion, the world. I thought thinking about those things brought me closer to the truth (and they can), but none of it matters if I don't know God. Know as in love.

God is love. Knowing him is knowing love, and without it, there's no meaning.

Suffering and Beauty.

"To possess true beauty, we must be willing to suffer. If Christ himself was perfect through his sufferings, why would I believe God would not do the same with me? Women who are stunningly beautiful are women who have had their hearts enlarged by suffering. By saying yes when the world says no. By paying the high price of loving truly and honestly without demanding that they be loved in return. And by refusing to numb their pain in the myriad of ways available. They have come to know that when everyone and everything has left them, God is there. They have learned, along with David, that those who go through the desolate valley will find it a place of springs (Ps. 84:6).

Living in true beauty can require much waiting, much time, much tenacity of spirit. We must constantly direct our gazes toward the face of God, even in the presence of longing and sorrow. It is in the waiting that our hearts are enlarged." (145 Captivating)