Last year I was caught in an epistemological crisis concerning the nature of truth, and (after serious life episodes of awfulness) I came to the light at the end of the tunnel in ...september? Yes.
(sigh) well, I guess you can never get too comfortable. Now I'm having an epistemological crisis on the nature of beauty, and its once again insisting that I not just live, but live in pursuit of how to live.
Here's the thing: For the past 2 or 3 years I functioned under the lordship of efficiency. All of my life was neatly placed around that highest value. My hope was in one day reaching the apotheosis of productivity. Looking back--what a weird ultimate desire. Thank god God wanted me enough, loved me enough, to teach me it wasn't what I really wanted.
Suffering facilitates significant changes in our value-systems and general ideas about God and reality. Well, I've been changed to something better but...I'm not sure if its the best. Hence, my proclivity to wonder. I'm getting the feeling that life is going to continue in this pattern for as long as life is something I do.
NOW I function under the lordship of beauty. And, like efficiency, it works to an extent but I'm not totally satisfied. So all of my life is placed around what I find to be most beautiful, and most interesting, and my hope is one day to reach an apotheosis of general goodness and the beautiful. I wouldn't call this weird as an ultimate desire...it is definitely more authentic to the human condition and I get the sense that it is closer to what I'm looking for. And if I have learned anything in the past few years, its that my entire being is looking for something, I'm just usually blinded to the right means of getting there. Unfortunately, often blinded to the ends as well. But that's a different topic.
The point is that I have to learn how to deal with beauty. I hate to say this, but beauty fails me. I wish it weren't the case.
Somewhere along the line I think I'm going to find Christ in such a legit way. Of course I see it now, but actually honestly living something you see...well...thats different. And maybe all of this fluctuation in lordships will render my finding absolute lordship in Christ so valuable I'll never leave.
I'd like to start thinking about what having Christ as Lord really means.
Hopefully this beauty thing will fail me as much as productivity did...and when Christ is King it will gently fall in a peaceful ordinance of a well-ordered soul.....
hmm. something to think about.
