The blood of love welled up in my heart with a slow pain.

-Sylvia Plath

Why Women Like Jerks

Jean Valjean.

All throughout Les Miserables I was completely captivated by him. His character, his strength, his anger, his gentleness, and his firm resolve to bring mercy and justice into the world are just...stunning. 

I forgot men could be like that, watching them run around in skinny jeans trying to muster up the courage to hit on girls at bars. Even still, I know that whenever I fall for a guy, regardless of who he really is, I always think the world of him. Sometimes it's blind, sometimes it's crazy, but it's what girls do.

We catch a glimpse of greatness in a man, fall for the potential, and then want to play a small part in bringing it out. Why did Belle fall for a beast? Why did Mr. Darcy drive Lizzie so crazy, when she was spirited, fierce and beautiful and he was a dour, tortured soul?

It's like in Anne of Green Gables when Marilla asks Anne, "Would you want to marry a wicked man?" to which Anne replies, "I wouldn't want to marry anyone who was truly wicked, but I'd like it if he could be wicked--but wouldn't."

It's strange - why women are drawn to jerks and blindly worship them even if they are being treated like garbage. Tonight I was watching episode 12 in Once Upon a Time, where Belle becomes a hero for her family by choosing to live forever with Rumplestiltskin, a man who's darkness has power over the entire kingdom. One day, out of his growing love for her, he releases her from the castle. She goes scot free, only to come running right back with that hopeful gleam in her eyes - the look that says, I want my love to change you, to make you good. Her kiss almost turned him from a monster into a man.

Imagine if it had worked? The tragic undoing of every single person destroyed by the beast's wickedness could have been prevented by the sweet, unassuming way of a woman. It's the story of Esther, approaching the king with gentle boldness and saving her people. It's the story of Jesus overcoming the power of Rome not by a sword, but with love. 

There is a tenacity of will and a passion inside every woman to see only what her man can be, not what he is, and I wonder if that blindness isn't always a bad thing. 

Love Anyway - Once Upon a Time

“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. 
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. 
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.” 

-Mother Teresa

Not gonna lie, I'm a little obsessed with Once Upon a Time.  

Tonight's episode showed a glimpse into how Rumplestiltskin became so evil. My stomach turned as I watched the king demand that he kiss his boot, and then kick him hard in the jaw right in front of his only son. 

Cruelty like this crawls under my skin. I resolved that, in my own life, I will do whatever it takes to make sure no one will ever feel that way on my account. 

Then I thought of at least one person, who, at that moment, was probably feeling pain on some level because of me. It felt like justice to treat them poorly because of the way they treated me. 

But that's not God's definition of justice. He says, "Love them anyway." We think it's OK to wish people harm who have harmed us, but those are moments where it's the most critical to love anyway. That is how we reverse the cycle of pain and suffering in this world. 

The antagonist is rarely one-dimensional. They antagonize because something, or someone is antagonizing them. By hurting the people who hurt us, we participate in continuing the cycle of pain. Why not be the person who puts their foot down and says, "enough," to our  pride, ego, and conceptions of what's fair, because ultimately, it's not about us.

Every day our actions are paying something forward, whether it's bringing hope and life into a situation or death and more pain. When people hurt us, we can be bitter or be gracious. We can pay the pain forward, or put an end to it by choosing to love - even when it "feels" wrong. 

Welcome Intruder

The gentle look in your eyes hits violent chords in me
All night I watch the clock for the crescendo to break
Is there any clean escape from this incessant flowering
Growing and dying, like springtime, inviting
A welcome intruder
Who sits in my roots and climbs up my limbs
Growing, dying, reviving for the win.
How do you fight a thing
With no lips and no arms?
No weapon to swing,
No reason to harm,
When the foe you aim your shots at
Is the one you want to love.

Fateful Turns

(Taken from my friend Ralph Nardell on Flickr)

Chick Flicks

My mom said something really interesting about chick flicks in the car today. Don't they always seem to present terrible situations in a sugar-coated, "it will all be OK in the end" sort of way?

At the end of the move, things like divorce, heartbreak, betrayal, etc. wrap up neatly in a nice ending that makes everyone feel good about themselves.

What happened to classics like Gone With the Wind, Great Gatsby, or Troy? Helen brought down an entire kingdom with her shenanigans. Queen Elizabeth did the opposite and got maaaaad respect for it. Actually, a lot of historians say that her rule significantly altered the course of Western history, in a good way. What's funny is that stories likes these from different eras are probably closer to showing the real outcomes in ours. At least more than chick flicks do.

Thinking about this mentally prepared me for what happened a few hours later. A woman was crying as she came out of the bathroom and I felt terrible for her. It was slightly awkward to ask, but I went up to see if she needed prayer. We ended up talking for hours about the challenges she was facing in her marriage, and afterwards she felt so much better.

One day I'll probably look back and realize that everything else in my life was hay, rubble, and wood, burning away in a fire, when moments like these were pure gold.

I'm so sick of the way our culture trivializes everything. We put price tags on each other based on how attractive, funny, wealthy, talented blah blah blah we are. I feel like Peeta in the Hunger Games when he wanted to prove to the game maker that the capitol didn't own him.

Even if we don't agree with the laws that govern this system, we are still under them somehow. For the past week I've had this curious, growing hunger in me to pendulum swing - in a good way - towards something else. Something more noble.