Loneliness

I'm beginning to think that loneliness is our natural condition--even though there's nothing in the world that feels more unnatural. We keep the curtains open, people nearby, and the lights glaring on as often as possible, so that eerie, sinking sensation doesn't settle in.

Distractions seem to help. Especially infatuation. Finding someone magical and feeling that exotic rush in your bones. Until years go by and you're lying next to your soul mate, still feeling lonely.

Having a baby, doing drugs, going shopping, constantly volunteering - there are a million ways to drown the ache of loneliness.

It's a cruel outlook, right? Humanity wanders aimless, pushing, wanting, and striving to believe in its own fulfillment for happiness... wherever it can get it.

And then there's friendship. CS Lewis says that "true friendship is the least jealous of loves." Where lovers are exclusive, friends are inclusive. The more the better. Spending time with friends that you have deep affection for brings you outside of yourself in a manner that seems ordinary, but is so divine. Old couples sitting on a park bench, two friends discussing their passion for poetry, kids riding bikes, families eating together, telling stories, taking walks...

But even these substitutes are temporary because friends betray us and lovers cheat on us. People die. Dreams die. Sometimes you sit on a park bench alone. Hand holding doesn't fix some things.

The ache can be subtle, like a sore or bruise, but sometimes it's excruciating, like needles in your heart and throat. You can't eat. Your dream too much and sleep too little. You're sick even though there's nothing wrong with you. I think this state of heart, soul, and mind is what Ecclesiastes calls "The House of Mourning."

It is better to go to a house of mourning
than to go to a house of feasting,
for death is the destiny of everyone;
the living should take this to heart.

It's a bizarre statement. Is it really better to attend a funeral than a wedding? Better to cry than to laugh?

For death is the destiny of everyone, the living should take this to heart. Feeling hopeless, unsatisfied dead-ended, and alone does strange things to you. You begin asking harder questions. You take a step back and wonder about the destiny of human life.

You get perspective.

In the house of mourning, we become convinced the strongest hands can't help us and the deepest wells are still too shallow. Our substitutes aren't working.

The house of mourning is the place that you become fully alive because it brings you to a raw place of trust. You don't have to be the circus act coordinator of your own happiness. You find rare jewels like contentment, thankfulness, joy, and peace that can sustain you in the hardest seasons.

Loneliness is an incurable disease on this side of heaven, but it leads us to the house of mourning, where we are reminded that our natural condition is not so much loneliness as it is dependance.